10 Random Things that make me go…. “Arrrgh @@!”£??@” in Business

Now, I am no Victor Meldrew (too much style, darlings, too much style), but there are certain things that really make my blood boil. So in a cathartic act (this new life of mine is all about cleansing and new beginnings!), here are my top 10 things that annoy me in the business/marketing world. Feel free to post any back and let’s have a good old moan!

1. Right Image, wrong customer services.
People who go on and on about having the right image in business but then their customer service is rubbish. What is the point of building up a brand when you phone up and either get a call centre with people who can’t understand you or you are kept on hold for hours on end.

2. Pointless, overly clever ads
Now this is a tricky one. I do like ads where they are clever enough not to have any product placement (Cadbury’s drumming ape, for eg), but they have to be REALLY REALLY REALLY good and for REALLY REALLY REALLY good brands to get away with it. Some are just rubbish and don’t say anything about the brand or what it is they want the viewer/reader to think.

3. Pushy telesales people.
I appreciate that everyone has something to sell, but really, do they have to call up with such suicidal happiness, call me by my first name and ask me “How I’m doing today?”?!

4. Complicated, overly wordy websites.
Just tell me who you are, what you do and how I can contact you, quickly, simply and in not too many words. Oh, and another thing, don’t make your site so big it takes ages to load…. But I don’t mind a few quirky lines and images thrown in here and there!

5. “solutions”.
Don’t ask me why, but it is something in my marketing brain that gets me properly riled when people say something like “the total…. solution” (mentioning no names - you know who you are, I tried to change you but I lost the battle). Just try sitting down and thinking about what you do. Or better still, talk to a marketing expert (I know a good one, cheapish too, drop me a line!).

6. "For all your business needs".
Seriously, ALL of them?! Every single one? Sorry, but I don’t believe it. Come up with a better strapline – please. If you can’t, I can help!! :-)

7. Pointless Leafleting
A couple of skinny girls, a thousand phone shop leaflets and one environmental waste. That’s all you get. People handing out leaflets willy nilly just seems a bit of a waste. It also makes the average Saturday shopping trip into a bit of a gauntlet run to avoid them, too. Now handing out a nice flower to advertise a florist, or cake samples for a bakery – there’s some good ideas!

8. Serial Networkers
You know the ones. The people (men and women) who go to every networking event they can find and then all they seem to do is eat the food and drink the drinks and collect business cards. But when you contact them afterwards they don’t reply to your email – WHY WHY WHY?!

9. Times New Roman
Yes, my friends, the font. I hate it. I can’t put my finger on why, I just do. Too many people use it and it is too flowery by far!

10. The tax man
Why’s he gettin’ all my money?! I don't believe it!

So, To Business

Well people, believe it or not, I have been working hard at setting up shop over the last few days. I've now got a great graphic designer (Final Creations - Ant - great dude!) on the case to sort out my brand. After that David, from Squarechilli (mad name, talented bloke!), is going to sort out my website. So we're all good to go. Which just leaves me to do the easy bit. Put into words exactly what it is I'm going to do.

I think it all came about because I am obsessed with brands. No, not in the way that I have to wear only designer clothes and never buy own brand from the supermarket (which are generally made by the branded people anyway - FACT). It's more that I find it quite fascinating that one day, someone can decide to start a business, sit down with their marketing team and say "Right. So. We need to call it something". Then all the creative types sit round, doodle on the edge of their pads, drink copious amounts of tea and generally stare into space (I've seen them do it!). Suddenly one of them exclaims "GOT IT! Let's call it X", or something equally weird like Egg, or Coca Cola or Mint or Google, and a new brand is born. It seems that simple. In truth I know it's not, though.

Companies like Egg, especially, built up their reputation based not just on their quirky ad campaigns and slightly strange name, but also on their friendly call centres where you are always talked to as a human being, not just as a credit card number. I read somewhere that, when Egg started, it was all hands on deck and even the CEO was answering the phones - I don't know if that's true or not, but even if it's not - nice touch!

But then there are also other brands out there who spend millions and millions and zillions on their look but have nothing to back it up. I think that's wrong. It's like dressing a window of a shop with fabulous treats and making it look all enticing, but when people come in, there's only rubbish to buy. So, I feel this is where I come in.

I can't claim to be a graphic designer (can draw a great stick man or flower, but that's about it!), but I do know about what looks good. I can't claim to be an expert in all types of business, but I do know about communicating how, what and why you do things in an effective way. I can't claim to be a web designer, either, but I know what works on websites and what doesn't. I also am not a sales person, but I know how to stand up in front of people and present. So, really, in plain terms I see my services as being that of a facilitator, advisor and trainer in the area of branding and marketing. Oh, and I can also copywrite - must never forget that!

So. All sorted then, that's what I'm going to do. Clear as mud? Interested? Just want to chat about life, the universe and everything? Drop me a line. Get ka POWed.

Sam the Ninja Dog

The best thing about being a "freelancer" at the moment (ie not having much work), is that I get to spend time with my dog, Sam, who I am desperately trying to train.... OK back up. My esteemed former colleague, Ninja extraordinaire and self appointed editor (thanks mate!), tells me I need to put things into context, so here goes.

Sam the dog. How can I describe him? He, too, is a Ninja. At least, he thinks he is. He was born to poverty in a severely dodgy area of north Manchester. Our previous beloved dog, Jake, had been run over only a week before and we were searching the internet without much hope of finding a replacement. But then we came across this photo of a little, rough looking thing gazing steadily up at the camera as if to say "Yeah, so I'm cute. So what?" and we fell in love.

With much trepidation we drove up to see him the very same day we had scattered Jake's ashes on his favourite field (we could not bear to be in a house without a dog). As we pulled up on a council estate street we stopped a moment to take in the surroundings. Kids were EVERYWHERE and I mean, everywhere, on bikes, skipping in the street, running in the street, burning cars in the street (well OK, I don't know about the last one, but the sort of place it was, they could well have been). Out of this little run down two up two down house came this black ball of barking fur.

I have always said that Sammy is like one of those crazy dudes you see in movies. Like Joe Peschi in Goodfellas, for example ("What you think I'm funny? YOU THINK I'M FUNNY?!"). Charming, cute but slightly unhinged. You are getting ready for a walk, he jumps up and immediately starts going mad; "Yeah! Yeah! We're going OUT, I is gonna GET ME SOME EXERCISE! YEAH!". Then you walk out the front door and suddenly he's a nervous, over excited wreck; "oh my god, oh my god, bogey at 10 o'clock, it's a man, with a stick. He may present danger. Must bark must bark. No no, wait. 3 o'clock, there's a boy on a bike. BARK BARK!". The worst thing about this is that it means he barks at and chases everything; cars, people, birds, bikes. Anything that he perceives as a threat. The other day I was out with him and there was a guy walking along wearing sandals and socks and Sam went mad - since then, my friend and I have decided this could be because Sam is actually the Canine Division of the Fashion Police.

It is impossible to explain to people that Sam is a wonderful, loving and fun dog to be around at home and that, really honestly, he won't bite them when he has raced up to them barking. Generally, to be fair, this is impossible to do because Sam is barking ferociously and skipping away from me while I try to get him on the lead.

That's another thing. Recall. When you go to puppy training they say to you, just stay calm, your dog will come to you, don't keep calling him. OK, fine, but when I call Sam back this is how the conversation goes:

Me: Sam, come here

Sam: Yeah right, this bit of grass is FAR to interesting

Me: Saaaam. HERE

Sam: Sniff Sniff. Whatever, I'm off in the other direction

Me: SAM. HERE. NOW

Sam: Oh, OK, if you insist, I'll come to you... no... ha! Had you fooled, I won't come to you, I am going to run towards you but at the last minute I'm going to zip off in another direction and chase that flock of birds HAHAHA!

Eventually, I just give up and walk away and then Sam looks up indignantly as if to say "Not leaving already are you?! Don't you dare leave me!" and comes racing after me.

That all said, our latest doggy training trial is the frisbee. The frisbee is a marvellous invention, a piece of plastic that can fly but also holds a dog's attention for an infinite amount of time while it's in your hands. So now all I have to do is keep hold of the frisbee while someone walks past and the idea is that Sam will be focused on me. Great. Only he has the mind of a goldfish. He looks at the person walking by, looks at the frisbee and then, when you throw it after the person has gone, he runs to fetch it. MEANWHILE, he notices the person again and thinks "YOU! Where did you come from! Must bark! Must bark!". Still, I keep on persevering and hoping that one day I'll find his trigger that will mean that I will turn my crazy Ninja dog into a centred, well-behaved haven of peace and tranquility.

And So It Begins

Well, here's one situation I never thought I would find myself in. Me, Miss Olivia Powell, 30 years old, a little bit 'floopy' and I've been (albeit slightly forcibly) launched into self-employed-dom...

It all started on a particularly unincredible day, which is something I don't get. I mean, aren't days that change your life supposed to be different, somehow? Surely the clouds should be full of portent and dark and brooding? Well I can tell you it wasn't too hot, it wasn't too cold and the sun was shining happy as you like.

When they first told me I did cry a little - anyone who tells you that they weren't upset to be made redundant either hated their job or is lying. But pretty quickly I started to feel like someone was trying to tell me something. Reading that makes me smile, though, because isn't that what everyone says? "Oh yes, I knew it was going to happen, I felt it in my waters". Well, for the first time in my life I can actually say that I did know and I did get the feeling I should be... well FEELING something!

So I packed up things from my desk and, without tearful goodbyes (no hard feelings, here), clutching my scant belongings (the little plastic statue of Captain Jack Sparrow and my Bubba Gump mug), went forth into the big wide world, blinking slightly in the sunlight. Unfortunately, my undramatic dramatic exit was scampered somewhat by having to dodge the huge lorry right outside the offices, but the sentiment was there all the same.

I couldn't tell you what I felt the first night. I think it was sadness (I couldn't eat), a certain amount of stress (how could I afford to eat?) but also a little bit of relief (now I could eat in bed when I wanted!). I sat staring blankly at the television only really capable of mumbles and thinking random thoughts like whether or not it was possible to make any money from knowing all the lines to all the Star Wars films. Eventually I just fell asleep, really because there was nothing else to do.

The next day brought a strange feeling of elation. I was free. Free from commuting to work every day (the drive from Belper to Nottingham is not a pretty one). Free from being told what to do. Oh, and of course free from having a salary every month. OK, that wasn't the best part of it, but at least this meant I could say, and even slightly believe, that this had Happened For A Reason. Well, I got that far at least, I managed to have numerous conversations with people saying "ah yes, well it was inevitable, really" and "well, I am going to take some time to consider my options". But really, all I wanted to to was wander around with Dan and the dog in the sunshine because, in true cathartic form, the unseasonal hot weather had started the day after I was made redundant!

Unfortunately, the feeling of freedom and slight lethargy couldn't last long as there were the boring chores of paying the bills and putting food on the table (see? Eating again, maybe I should be a food critic?!). But the main problem was exactly what I could do. I could always go and get a job, same as before when a similar thing has happened to me. Then again I could always have a complete change of career (teacher? food critic? Star Wars expert?), but quite frankly I just could not be bothered. Besides, I quite enjoy what I do, it's creative and quite fun.

So here I stand today, having started my first blog, with a view to, well, writing about things and seeing where that gets me. "Crazy fool!" I hear you shout. Well, maybe I am, but at least I am, for the time being at least, free. On that note, I am off to eat my lunch, which I can do whenever I like. Because I am free. Very profound.