Marketing Lesson # 2: Promotion or Deception?

I have this client.... ok, I know they all start like that; "I have this client", "I have this friend", but really, I do!.... So. I have this client, they have a fantastic proposition. It's a guest house in Sri Lanka. There, I've said it, now those of you who've kept up with my ramblings on various sites will know who I'm talking about! Anyway, this guest house is A-MAZING. It's set in a beautiful location, newly built. It has it's own rice paddy next door and a wonderful chef who has trained in hotels in the Middle East.

However, when I first started working with them, the owners, (who are lovely lovely people) lacked the confidence in themselves and their product to promote it. They kept saying that the bedrooms weren't quite finished yet (as in, they didn't have a headboard over the bed!) and they didn't have a swimming pool. All valid points, but I pointed out to them that, with any marketing, it is important to play up your good points and play down the... other points!

I have found, when talking to people about marketing themselves, that this is not an uncommon reaction, to be honest. Especially with small or micro businesses. I think it has something to do with good, honest people hearing horror stories about people who have been ripped off by cowboys and their desperation not be be seen like that by potential customers. Of course, on the other hand, there are also a lot of companies out there who spend hundreds, thousands or even millions on marketing and claim to be this or that and then do not deliver on their promises. This just leaves customers feeling disappointed that they have bought into the company on an understanding of a quality that does not, ultimately, exist.

"So," I hear you cry, "You're the Marketeer Extraordinaire, what's your advice then?!"

Well. It's quite simple. You have to get a balance between 'promotion' and 'deception'. Sure, you can say that you grow organic rice in your own rice paddy if it's true, but you can't say that you have spacious air conditioned rooms all overlooking the swimming pool if you don't! But you CAN say you have spacious rooms. Doesn't matter if you might think they aren't as spacious as the Joe Bloggs 5-star hotel up the road, they are spacious to you (as long as you can swing more than a cat in them!). If in doubt, don't mention the size of the bedrooms at all, just say that the bedrooms all have access to the veranda which overlooks the beautiful gardens, if they do... or whatever they have, but the point is, make a big deal out of these points - they are your USP!

Also, when it comes to delivering on promises, never give unrealistic timescales in your marketing materials. For example, I once contacted a company with one of those callback facilities that PROMISED a callback within 24 hours. 3 days later I got a call back. When I commented on this to the lady who eventually called me (trying not to be too stroppy, after all, it's not her fault!), she was unaware that this was the promise on the website. So really, there are actually two messages there; not only should you not promise anything you cannot deliver on, but you should also ensure, if you want to promise on it, that you communicate it to your employees.

I think the main points to remember are; your company may or may not be as great as your competitors, but it is the way you position it, how you upsell your good points and the promises you make AS WELL as ensuring your message is upheld throughout your company that will encourage people to do business with you. Also, don't tell someone you're the absolute number one at something unless you can prove it - that, my friends, I would consider as 'deception'.

Lesson over for today. Of course, if anyone needs any help unravelling all this, I am, as always, here to help! :-)

PS Just so you can all see what I'm talking about, please visit the Bougan Villa website! All promotion and no deception, I promise!!

HACKER EXPOSED

I just wanted to say that my personal email account was rudely RIPPED from me this week.

One minute I was happily signed into g-talk and the next, BAM!!! It logged me out and, no matter what I did, it was impossible to get back in, it kept telling me my password was wrong.... At first it was just weird, then, when I started to see username requests to my ebay account I panicked a bit.

I went on the googlemail helper which is like a wee little maze and you go this way and that, answering all their questions about whether you can get in your email (well of course I bloody can't, that's why I ticked "my account has been compromised"!!!!!!!). Eventually, I managed to fill in the form correctly and then I got an email to my other email address and all it said was this:

Thank you for your report. We've completed our investigation. Because our investigation was inconclusive, we are unable to return your account at this time. We've disabled access to this account for your security. Please note that disabling protects your account from further abuse. If you used orkut with this account, we've deleted the orkut profile. At Google we take the privacy and security of our users very seriously. For this reason, we're unable to reveal any further information about this account.

AAARGH!! So I went back and dutifully filled the form in again... and again... and again (well, I figured if I kept doing it they'd realise I meant business!). Eventually, after about 3 of those emails and much to my relief, I got this reply:

Thank you for your report. We've completed our investigation and we're re-enabling your access to this account. We've changed the alternate email address...

So, whooping and cheering, I merrily went and signed in to my account. When I got there I discovered several things: my alternative email was now: thebuyerlink@aim.com. My country was the USA and my zip code was 47452. But more to the point, they had changed my username to 'oliva' so they hadn't even spelt my name right!!!! Bloody cheek. Anyway, I was just relieved to have my email back, so I kept note of the details and breathed a sigh of relief.

However, it was not over yet. Over the next few days I didn't receive any emails. It was really weird and I couldn't understand it because I even sent myself test ones. I started to get worried again as I had told everyone that they could now email me again, so I didn't know if anyone had sent me any personal details. Finally, I found out that all my mail to that address was being forwarded to one jamesobbs01@gmail.com (I don't know anyone called James Obbs, do you?!)!

I have now restored all normality, but it was a bit scary there for a while. It feels a bit like you've not just been robbed, but also the robbers have locked you out of your house and are sending out for pizzas while you stand, helpless, on the doorstep. Also, when you get back in, you can't help the feeling you are being watched. So, my friends, what's my advice having just been "hacked"? Well...

1. Make sure your password is secure and (I don't know if this is the general advice, but...) change it every now and then.

2. Make sure your virus scan software is up to date and your Windows updates are on (thanks to my brother for that advice!)

3. Try not to log in on any dodgy computers where you are not sure of the security

4. If you do get locked out of your account, make sure you report it immediately and go and change all your other passwords on every site you can think of

5. Oh... and try not to log in to any dodgy sites, eh?! NOT THAT I DID!!! No, really, I didn't....

That's it folks, stay safe and in the words of Jerry Springer; "Take care of yourselves.... and each other"!

Marketing Lesson # 1: Grammar School!

Sorry, folks, but I've got to put my Victor Meldrew hat on again here!! Maybe it's working from home which makes me think about random things, but I have another top ten list for you; 10 Grammatical (and Spelling) Errors That People Make And Don't Even Realise It And It Really Really Annoys Me (I would have put that in the title, but it was too long!):

1. You're or your?

OK. It's simple. Your = belonging to you. You're = you are. It's easy to distinguish the two as you're has an apostrophe (that's this little thing - ' ) which is in place of the 'a'. Yet I constantly see this: "I've got you're things here" or "your a bossy cow"....

2. Apostrophes in inappropriate places

This is a tricky one. For example, I have seen a lot of this recently "please attach cv's here". Now, strictly speaking, I guess you are missing out something there, but ACTUALLY, it should be "please attach CVs here", there should be no apostrophe. Not convinced? OK, another example; "watch online demo's of our products".. demo's?! belonging to demos?!! I don't think so.

3. Misspelling ridiculous

My close friends will know I hate this word anyway (it's a long story, maybe I'll blog on it sometime!), but so many people seem to spell it 'rediculous'... why?!!

4. Its or it's?

Along the same lines as your and you're. It's (see?!) simple. Its = BELONGING TO. It's = IT IS. Apostrophe = missing 'i'!

5. There, they're or their?

People seem to do this one a lot. So, three sentences for you:

I would like to go there

It's their place

They're on their way

Use 'there' for a place. They're' for they are (remember ' replaces 'a'). Their for belonging to - it's an anomaly, that one, it doesn't fit I know, but trust me, it's right!!

6. Who's or whose?

"Whose motorcycle is this?"

"It's a chopper baby"

"Whose chopper is this?"

"It's Zed's"

"Who's Zed?"

"Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead"

Apart from the fact that this is a classic piece of dialogue from the classic cult film, Pulp Fiction (If you haven't seen it, quite frankly, you haven't lived), this also demonstrates nicely the use of 'whose' and 'who's'. Same rule as ever, our little apostrophe friend is standing in for the 'i' which the writer (i.e. me, here), can't be bothered to write.

7. Me and Mrs Jones?!

As much as this is a good song. It's wrong, wrong, wrong. Firstly, you always put the other person first, so it should be Mrs Jones (whoever she is) and secondly, you should refer to yourself in this instance as 'I', not 'me'. HOWEVER, this is not always the case and sometimes people over use it, for example, "There was a parcel for Mrs Jones and I"... OK, rewind... take out Mrs Jones and who was the package for?! For I?! Forsooth, I say, 'twas for I, that parcel! Doesn't make sense, does it?!

8. Arguement or argument?

Sooo many people seem to misspell this one little, but very significant word! No 'e' after the 'u' folks, OK?

9. Loooong sentences which just carry on from one to another with no punctuation you feel really out of breath when you read and want to put a full stop in or a comma at least you know?

Now, I'll admit, I write and talk a lot. Sometimes I use long sentences. But I try so hard to break them up with some sort of punctuation. It astounds me how many people don't. They seem to be scared of putting just one little comma in, or some brackets (like that) or even a full stop. Like that. Need to breathe people!

Last but not least:

10. A limited number of [insert appropriate item here] is or are available

This is actually a tricky one, so this is open to discussion. The thing is, you are talking about A number, so should it be singular, i.e. 'is'? Or because you are talking about a plural amount ('a number'), should it be plural, i.e. 'are'? I used to work for a very prestigious art & antiques fair in London. The leaflets had a piece of copy in them explaining that there was a number of tickets available to purchase at a reduced price and you know what?! EVERY year for 4 years we had the same discussion; 'is' vs 'are'. I never did fathom which was best and we even asked someone who was an English professor and they couldn't tell us for sure... My advice? Just write "A limited number of tickets available" - easy peasy!

Thats it for the class today folk's enjoy have fun look after you're selves and don't be rediculous or have any arguements about what I just said just remember who's life it is anyway when me and you talk and a number of options is, no, are, no, is available!! :-)

Return of Sam the Ninja Dog

Well, dear readers, a comment on my last post about Sam was that I should "give up and face it, that my dog is as mad as me". All I can say is, well you may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but you certainly can teach them to listen to you once in a while! And yes, my dog maybe mad, but now our walks are the wonderfully enjoyable things that we always wanted them to be.

"What miracle is this?!" I hear you cry. Well, it is the simple miracle of the Spray Commander (TM). This little DARLING invention is a collar that we put on Sam when we go walkies, it has a remote control with 3 buttons; 1 - for when he's good, it emits a beep, 2 - for when he's bad, it emits a short burst of air with a Citronella smell and 3 - for when he's REALLY bad and doesn't listen to you or notice you pressing no 2 in the first place, it emits a LOOONG burst of air and Citronella.

The first day we took Sam out with this collar we were apprehensive, to say the least. At the end of the day, normally shouting ourselves hoarse did nothing to stop him or bring him back and our concern was that this wouldn't stop him either. But within the first minute our concerns were answered by seeing a runner in the park. Picture the scene:

Sam: Sniff sniff, sniff... la di da... hold on. What's that over there?!! On the path?! A threat to my family?! A RUNNER?! NO! I must protect them! I must run and bark!!! [spray] What the BEEEEEEEEP was that?!! That's a weird smell, where did it come from?! Oh well, now, what was I doing? Sniff sniff sniff...

It is truly remarkable and, now the weather is how it should be (for now at least!), it is a delight to walk our beloved pooch in all sorts of situations (EVEN the park, with PEOPLE and everything!) and not constantly be checking if there is someone Sam will be offended by and run at. He even walked straight past the postman the other day, now that WAS an achievement.

So, here's to Sam the Ninja Dog Who Got Trained - good luck to everyone else who has a wild, but lovable dog. Seriously, go and try Spray Commander (TM) (you guys at SC can pay me later!).

10 Random Things that make me go…. “Arrrgh @@!”£??@” in Business

Now, I am no Victor Meldrew (too much style, darlings, too much style), but there are certain things that really make my blood boil. So in a cathartic act (this new life of mine is all about cleansing and new beginnings!), here are my top 10 things that annoy me in the business/marketing world. Feel free to post any back and let’s have a good old moan!

1. Right Image, wrong customer services.
People who go on and on about having the right image in business but then their customer service is rubbish. What is the point of building up a brand when you phone up and either get a call centre with people who can’t understand you or you are kept on hold for hours on end.

2. Pointless, overly clever ads
Now this is a tricky one. I do like ads where they are clever enough not to have any product placement (Cadbury’s drumming ape, for eg), but they have to be REALLY REALLY REALLY good and for REALLY REALLY REALLY good brands to get away with it. Some are just rubbish and don’t say anything about the brand or what it is they want the viewer/reader to think.

3. Pushy telesales people.
I appreciate that everyone has something to sell, but really, do they have to call up with such suicidal happiness, call me by my first name and ask me “How I’m doing today?”?!

4. Complicated, overly wordy websites.
Just tell me who you are, what you do and how I can contact you, quickly, simply and in not too many words. Oh, and another thing, don’t make your site so big it takes ages to load…. But I don’t mind a few quirky lines and images thrown in here and there!

5. “solutions”.
Don’t ask me why, but it is something in my marketing brain that gets me properly riled when people say something like “the total…. solution” (mentioning no names - you know who you are, I tried to change you but I lost the battle). Just try sitting down and thinking about what you do. Or better still, talk to a marketing expert (I know a good one, cheapish too, drop me a line!).

6. "For all your business needs".
Seriously, ALL of them?! Every single one? Sorry, but I don’t believe it. Come up with a better strapline – please. If you can’t, I can help!! :-)

7. Pointless Leafleting
A couple of skinny girls, a thousand phone shop leaflets and one environmental waste. That’s all you get. People handing out leaflets willy nilly just seems a bit of a waste. It also makes the average Saturday shopping trip into a bit of a gauntlet run to avoid them, too. Now handing out a nice flower to advertise a florist, or cake samples for a bakery – there’s some good ideas!

8. Serial Networkers
You know the ones. The people (men and women) who go to every networking event they can find and then all they seem to do is eat the food and drink the drinks and collect business cards. But when you contact them afterwards they don’t reply to your email – WHY WHY WHY?!

9. Times New Roman
Yes, my friends, the font. I hate it. I can’t put my finger on why, I just do. Too many people use it and it is too flowery by far!

10. The tax man
Why’s he gettin’ all my money?! I don't believe it!

So, To Business

Well people, believe it or not, I have been working hard at setting up shop over the last few days. I've now got a great graphic designer (Final Creations - Ant - great dude!) on the case to sort out my brand. After that David, from Squarechilli (mad name, talented bloke!), is going to sort out my website. So we're all good to go. Which just leaves me to do the easy bit. Put into words exactly what it is I'm going to do.

I think it all came about because I am obsessed with brands. No, not in the way that I have to wear only designer clothes and never buy own brand from the supermarket (which are generally made by the branded people anyway - FACT). It's more that I find it quite fascinating that one day, someone can decide to start a business, sit down with their marketing team and say "Right. So. We need to call it something". Then all the creative types sit round, doodle on the edge of their pads, drink copious amounts of tea and generally stare into space (I've seen them do it!). Suddenly one of them exclaims "GOT IT! Let's call it X", or something equally weird like Egg, or Coca Cola or Mint or Google, and a new brand is born. It seems that simple. In truth I know it's not, though.

Companies like Egg, especially, built up their reputation based not just on their quirky ad campaigns and slightly strange name, but also on their friendly call centres where you are always talked to as a human being, not just as a credit card number. I read somewhere that, when Egg started, it was all hands on deck and even the CEO was answering the phones - I don't know if that's true or not, but even if it's not - nice touch!

But then there are also other brands out there who spend millions and millions and zillions on their look but have nothing to back it up. I think that's wrong. It's like dressing a window of a shop with fabulous treats and making it look all enticing, but when people come in, there's only rubbish to buy. So, I feel this is where I come in.

I can't claim to be a graphic designer (can draw a great stick man or flower, but that's about it!), but I do know about what looks good. I can't claim to be an expert in all types of business, but I do know about communicating how, what and why you do things in an effective way. I can't claim to be a web designer, either, but I know what works on websites and what doesn't. I also am not a sales person, but I know how to stand up in front of people and present. So, really, in plain terms I see my services as being that of a facilitator, advisor and trainer in the area of branding and marketing. Oh, and I can also copywrite - must never forget that!

So. All sorted then, that's what I'm going to do. Clear as mud? Interested? Just want to chat about life, the universe and everything? Drop me a line. Get ka POWed.

Sam the Ninja Dog

The best thing about being a "freelancer" at the moment (ie not having much work), is that I get to spend time with my dog, Sam, who I am desperately trying to train.... OK back up. My esteemed former colleague, Ninja extraordinaire and self appointed editor (thanks mate!), tells me I need to put things into context, so here goes.

Sam the dog. How can I describe him? He, too, is a Ninja. At least, he thinks he is. He was born to poverty in a severely dodgy area of north Manchester. Our previous beloved dog, Jake, had been run over only a week before and we were searching the internet without much hope of finding a replacement. But then we came across this photo of a little, rough looking thing gazing steadily up at the camera as if to say "Yeah, so I'm cute. So what?" and we fell in love.

With much trepidation we drove up to see him the very same day we had scattered Jake's ashes on his favourite field (we could not bear to be in a house without a dog). As we pulled up on a council estate street we stopped a moment to take in the surroundings. Kids were EVERYWHERE and I mean, everywhere, on bikes, skipping in the street, running in the street, burning cars in the street (well OK, I don't know about the last one, but the sort of place it was, they could well have been). Out of this little run down two up two down house came this black ball of barking fur.

I have always said that Sammy is like one of those crazy dudes you see in movies. Like Joe Peschi in Goodfellas, for example ("What you think I'm funny? YOU THINK I'M FUNNY?!"). Charming, cute but slightly unhinged. You are getting ready for a walk, he jumps up and immediately starts going mad; "Yeah! Yeah! We're going OUT, I is gonna GET ME SOME EXERCISE! YEAH!". Then you walk out the front door and suddenly he's a nervous, over excited wreck; "oh my god, oh my god, bogey at 10 o'clock, it's a man, with a stick. He may present danger. Must bark must bark. No no, wait. 3 o'clock, there's a boy on a bike. BARK BARK!". The worst thing about this is that it means he barks at and chases everything; cars, people, birds, bikes. Anything that he perceives as a threat. The other day I was out with him and there was a guy walking along wearing sandals and socks and Sam went mad - since then, my friend and I have decided this could be because Sam is actually the Canine Division of the Fashion Police.

It is impossible to explain to people that Sam is a wonderful, loving and fun dog to be around at home and that, really honestly, he won't bite them when he has raced up to them barking. Generally, to be fair, this is impossible to do because Sam is barking ferociously and skipping away from me while I try to get him on the lead.

That's another thing. Recall. When you go to puppy training they say to you, just stay calm, your dog will come to you, don't keep calling him. OK, fine, but when I call Sam back this is how the conversation goes:

Me: Sam, come here

Sam: Yeah right, this bit of grass is FAR to interesting

Me: Saaaam. HERE

Sam: Sniff Sniff. Whatever, I'm off in the other direction

Me: SAM. HERE. NOW

Sam: Oh, OK, if you insist, I'll come to you... no... ha! Had you fooled, I won't come to you, I am going to run towards you but at the last minute I'm going to zip off in another direction and chase that flock of birds HAHAHA!

Eventually, I just give up and walk away and then Sam looks up indignantly as if to say "Not leaving already are you?! Don't you dare leave me!" and comes racing after me.

That all said, our latest doggy training trial is the frisbee. The frisbee is a marvellous invention, a piece of plastic that can fly but also holds a dog's attention for an infinite amount of time while it's in your hands. So now all I have to do is keep hold of the frisbee while someone walks past and the idea is that Sam will be focused on me. Great. Only he has the mind of a goldfish. He looks at the person walking by, looks at the frisbee and then, when you throw it after the person has gone, he runs to fetch it. MEANWHILE, he notices the person again and thinks "YOU! Where did you come from! Must bark! Must bark!". Still, I keep on persevering and hoping that one day I'll find his trigger that will mean that I will turn my crazy Ninja dog into a centred, well-behaved haven of peace and tranquility.